Soul Magic

FROM DISAPPOINTMENT TO Confidence
by Rosvita Wolk

She was disappointed. It had happened so many times before. She would get really excited about an idea or project like the story she had written and taken to a newspaper, feeling sure they would like it and print it! But then they did not print it after all.

Her healthier self would conclude it was a good effort to write the story, to bring it to the paper and see what would happen. Yet her disappointment would smolder underneath her justification. Of course she was feeling rejection, a little “I am not good enough” again, just like in her younger days.

She had hoped she would never feel that way again. She had worked hard to eradiate those old tapes. But she was human and right now, she was disappointed.

She had worked diligently to hand write the story right after the ski competition was over. It had been a very strong feeling to search out the Magazine for Skiing. Where else would the story fit?

She had been surprised to find herself writing it in a different manner, not so much like a story about a sports competition, but with a human angle that only crystallized while she developed her observations. She had heard about that phenomenon with writers… they claimed the story was simply unfolding without having had a clear picture in mind before. Does that mean she a writer?

“Yes, I am a writer,” she tells herself. “I can call myself that because I like to write and I think I am good at it. Not outstanding, not Pulitzer Prize winning. But my stories are good easy reading with a message about the multiple tragedies of my life all culminating into some very positive moments.”

“You have to write with confidence, think with confidence, act with confidence.”

That is one of her mottos. She likes the word confidence now even though it gave her so much trouble in younger years when she did not have it. Then someone pointed out the translated meaning to her, and it suddenly made so much sense! “Confidence” is a word from the Greek: “con” meaning with; “fidence” meaning faith, ergo with faith!

Isn’t it quite extraordinary?

“I have little confidence, or not enough of it, when I think the word means to be sure of one self. But that isn’t it! Confidence actually means to be unsure at our core, then develop faith in oneself, and possibly in a Higher Being. We gain more certainty, and eventually believe in ourselves as capable and positively good enough!!!”

“‘With faith…’ What a concept! How freeing it is to just think of it. Wiping away the grimy cobwebs from our gut, cleaning the veins of the blood of guilt and shame, breathing the fresh air of spring through our blackened lungs, and seeing them turn a lively pink with every effort at being gentle with ourselves.”

She feels better now. Still disappointed, yet, surer of the fact that she made a good effort, that the story is good, that maybe she needs to be patient and will hear from the paper in the future. Without the crystal ball there is no telling of the outcome, and it is a good thing too. Where would the surprises be?

“So,” she tells herself, “Live happily in suspense, believe in the good outcome, revel in anticipation, be “con-fident.”

The Big Blue Book talks about having faith, but not being hooked on the outcome. One can stay very positive about a certain matter, but if it does not turn out the way imagined, it’s not the end of the world. It just means something different is supposed to happen. From another quote: “Nothing happens in this world by mistake.” There is always something to be gained from how life enfolds.

Easily said but what about living it?

She tells herself, “If I am trusting in that principle I must look for the positive meanings, even at the face of a tragic event. It takes a lot of practice to arrive at this way of thinking, but it is of great importance to realize that I feel good as a result.”

In that manner, confidence will translate into a sense of peace and serenity.

She is amazed to think she could achieve that. Her newly found confidence is so much better than feeling disappointed and staying stuck with it!

— © Rosvita Wolk

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